ear one... "I was born January 1st at exactly 12:00 a.m., pretty ironic, eh? How many people do you know are born exactly New Years Eve? Hi, I am Edward The King and this is my story. When I was born, on that day, I saw the floor as soon as I was able to see but, the one thing I could not understand was the screaming in the room. Sure I probably looked ugly, but was all that really necessary?"
"Goo Goo Ga Ga, my first, famous words in my life. People always thought that mommy or daddy were the first words expected in a person's life. I'm a bit different.... My first 'real' word was, 'King,' my second word was, 'me.' Again ironic. I made my own sentence in my first two words. Now this so far was when I was two. When I was four, that is an entirely different paragraph, story, whatever, etc."
Year four of my life... "I was never very bright in my entire life and this became apparent when my parents found me falling forward when trying to walk instead of falling backwards. My parents were appalled when they found out that I was stuffing crayons up my left nostril. Perhaps that could be a possibility for I never found my favourite blue crayon, even to this day. I found myself in the same white-colour room again with the white floor. Perhaps I have to refresh your memory. I was born in a white room...."
Year eight... "I had this sort of sickness or handicap that people called ADD. Maybe you know of it but, anyway, back to the ADD thing. It was the first day for X-rays on my head.... I came out for results and my parents leaped with joy when they found this long dark piece of whatever it was. The nurse asked my parents if I had ever 'shoved' crayons up my nose. So I got um, surgery is not the word, so maybe a removal? Anyway, they removed the crayon and I found a knowledge that I never knew I had...."
Year ten... "This was the first year where I invited my friends to my birthday party. Of course some of them couldn't come because of New Year's Eve being a tradition in their families or something; anyway, I still got to go with my friends to a swimming pool. Of course not without some accidents along the way.... On this day, I went swimming. I am a very strong swimmer but that's not the problem. The problem was that I went outside in the freezing snow after I went swimming on a dare. Now, can you guess how bad my cold was? Please don't answer this question...."
Year twelve, December 30th 11:59:59 a.m.... "This moment is exactly one second before I turn thirteen. Now before we proceed into my birthday, let's rewind maybe a few minutes earlier when I work my parents up.... I ran blind with bliss at the thought of becoming a teenager that I yelled at my parents to get up, but when they didn't, I ran in. What they were doing was not right. I stared at them, they stared right back. Then I screamed at the time when I turned thirteen."
Year fourteen... "I am in high school now and I think I'm prepared for this. That is I think. And this is how everything turned out.... The teachers don't like me, the principal doesn't like me, and even my parents don't like me a lot anymore. Even though the crayon in my left nostril was gone, I think they might have missed a piece or so because I'm getting bad, well, not too bad grades in high school. Well, these grades were so important that my parents think it is the end of the world as we know it. Now I was thinking more of the Armageddon thing, you know? The end of the world because of a big fat metal goose egg."
Year sixteen... "Yo wassup dudes? This year, I'm goin all punkish. Ya, this year is the year I'm goin' ta try an get me a girlfriend. Right I will.... This is it. The one girl is over there, she is so hot! Ok here I go! Ok so maybe I chickened out at the last moment and maybe I could have gotten a girlfriend, but I just froze. Oh well, there is always next year and the next and the next."
Year eighteen... "Hi there, I gave up the punk thing and my nose hole is slowly healing, my hair is back to its original colour, and I lost the dog collar thing. Not very attractive and.... Oooooops! I forgot a whole new paragraph! Well this is how this year went. It started with a fight.... I yelled at my parents for probably an hour or so and then I yelled at them to shut up. I'm not the toughest guy emotionally, but in strength, I was ok. So I heaved a couple of items (I was too angry to notice what went out the window) and then I broke down. Literally, I fell down and then broke my arm in doing so. Pretty stupid, eh? The most stupid thing I did was when I was nine; I broke my ankle when I ran cross-country. Anyway, like I was saying, I broke my arm and then that familiar white room (where did it come from?) came into focus again."
Year twenty... "Yum, yum. Oriental food is so very delicious, but it makes you feel bloated way too fast! Of course if I complained then I wouldn't feel bloated at all. But there was this one time when I did complain because.... I was talking to the manager about the bill when another person stepped in. Now this may sound pretty coincidental, but ohhh. You know the girl whom I liked when I was sixteen? She was back. And this was a little slow coming to my mind only for the fact that I was a little busy yelling at the manager about the bill. Yes, yes, it was yelling, not talking as I mentioned earlier. But anyway, this woman was enchanting no, no! Even more so by the fact that she came in with regular clothes of modern citizens when she obviously deserved more. But still, she managed to make those clothes look good compared to my newly-tailored tux. Man she was good looking...."
Year twenty-two... "I'm in medical school and I can barely read my own writing let alone others reading it. But of course I'm trying to do another job while going to school. This job so happens to be near that girl mentioned ohhh, about one or two paragraphs back... I really tried this time to make a conversation with her, but the best sentence I came up with was, 'problem at table 5 go handle it girl,' I mean like, c'mon how sad was that? I need some psychological help. At least that is what my doctor advised me to do...."
Year twenty five... "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Doctor King. Sure people joke about me being a doctor fit for a King, but it's true. I passed those exams, with sweat. Of course being an unmarried doctor is not fun. That may change though.... Today I resolved to ask her. The hot woman that is. ForLent I gave up being a coward, and I also gave up giving in. I finally asked her only to be rejected. Now I'm pursuing a Scottish woman who is very attractive...."
Year twenty-seven... "Oh yeah. I asked that Scottish woman out and I'm kind of close to her. Not really. Her name is strangely Sara The Queen. Our middle names are the same and so we are kind of close, you know? And now I want to marry her! Do you think I should take it one step at a time or just jump the rest? Maybe a question for my mother, eh?"
Year twenty-seven... "Oh sorry about the typo but I suppose it was to say twenty-eight or twenty-nine. Who can tell? So as I was saying, I talked to my mother about this idea and guess what she said... She didn't say anything but yelled at me to use the brain that got me this far and to think about what I was getting into. Then of all things, she spanked me! I mean, come on! I'm old enough to have children and she's spanking me! The embarrassment that I endured that day was... was... was... I really don't know!"
Year ninety... "I got married to that woman, had three children, and now I have this notion to write down my entire life into a story for my children's children to read before they go to bed...."
The end. Or is it?
© 2003 The Richmond Hill Public Library Board